Burlesque Womens Institute

Broomy · Joined: 09 May 2007 Posts: 692

Aunt Bettie darling, a lot of the postings here are very much tongue in cheek. This one is not, please advise all the lovely people on your forum not to be frivolous with their response.
In the past, one of your members who posts on another burlesque forum, and I have enjoyed much banter. But I took it too far, and now this oh so sweet lady has tuned me out.
Bettie darling, what must I do to make amends for making light hearted jokes about what is a very serious, sensitive issue?
How can I ever win back the respect of this beautiful, sensitive woman?
Should I post an apology or just leave it be?
It is such a painful quandry.

Selena Lix · Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 451

just apologise and if she dont accept it leave it
it takes a human to make a mistake and someone strong to own up to it. if she cant see that and doesnt accept that her problem
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Miss Baby Bones · Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 10:33 pm Post subject:

theres no point sulking about something though... if shes upset she should say why, and then you can apologise if her feelings were hurt as im sure you meant no harm.
you're one of the most supportive and fun loving members of the forum so surely she knows that!

xxx
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Diva Hollywood · Joined: 15 Jul 2007 Posts: 1927 Location: UK

Oh honey
as someone who comes from a family with no tact I am forever saying sorry for things. Most people understand that it was not meant and you should be fine. The lady in question might just need a little time to cool off. I am sure you did not say anything bad and you guys will be back to being friends in no time.
Big Hugs
Diva xxx
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Freya Fox · Joined: 29 Sep 2007 Posts: 177 Location: York

Khandie Khisses · Joined: 11 Nov 2008 Posts: 92 Location: London

oh Broomy!

I love you! I am so sorry someone is tuning you out....but as the girls here say: say sorry and then unfortunately it is up to her whether it is accepted or not.

KK
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Broomy · Joined: 09 May 2007 Posts: 692

As always, you are all, kindness itself. Thank you. This is what you have made me think about and what I intend to do.
HG once posted, either here or on MOB: "When you are sitting at a keyboard, you can be anything you want to be."
It is something that I have never forgotten.
The problem with "talking" on line is, there is no eye contact. If I had known this lady, face to face, as it were, she would have picked up my discomfort as I would have picked up her pain. But we cannot see, without eye contact, each other's body language.
My immediate reaction, in a face to face situation, would have been to put my hand on her forearm, and simply say: "I am so sorry."
The nuance in my voice would have been enough. Her forgiveness would have come straight back, possibly with a gentle, reassuring kiss on my cheek. In reality, it is how we establish an empathy with each other. whereas internet friendship requires little cognitive effort.
But once the word is written, it's set in stone. So what I propose to do is email her with a link to this page so that she can understand my genuine regret and my desire to apologise.
And I shall leave it there.
Thank you all so much, again.

KathySiney · Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 11:45 am Post subject:

I know exactly what you mean about talking online- and texting come to that, ...tone of voice can never come through and its so easy to be misunderstood. The fact you're so upset and sorry about it shows what a kind person you must be and Im sure she will understand you meant no malice toward her. Any chance of ringing and speaking to her? Hope you get it sorted out x
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Herr Geist · Joined: 10 May 2007 Posts: 4956 Location: Brighton, England

Online forums and such can be a real trap even for the most level-headed people out there. It's easy to forget you're talking to real people with real problems and real emotions because all you're doing is staring at a computer screen that will not cry no matter how many terrible words you type. Trust me, I've tried. As a web designer, I believe I've typed many awful things at my computer just out of spite when it wouldn't do what I wanted it to do.

Now, I'm not saying everyone is thoughtless or rude when they're online. This place proves that civility and politeness can exist on the net. Now that I've said that, there is still always a fair bit of speculation when you read something someone else wrote even if the words they typed were nothing but pleasant and nice. As everyone knows, people can say the nicest things through gritted teeth. They can lie through smiles. Can you see them doing that online? No. Can you see a person fidget when they're addressing a sensitive subject with you? No. In fact, I would say that my experience dealing with people on the net has made me the distrustful person I am today. Meet me in person and I can size you up in a matter of minutes. It's just a gift I have and I'm not bragging, but I am glad I have it. Online I'm good at it, too, but only because I've been online since before the internet was really the internet. I've got a lot of experience dealing with people in text form and you do start to pick up on patterns and such after a prolonged exposure to it all. Even with all my online experience, I'd never fully trust what someone told me online unless I knew that person well in real life.

Now, I know that all sounds long-winded, but I think it's important that you all understand these things about me and the psychology of internet communication before I say this...

Unless you're damn sure, and I mean damn sure, someone is insulting you or being rude to you... keep your emotions in check. Unless you're totally sure you're getting the shaft, take it all with a grain of salt. Sometimes people can say really dumb things, even in person, but if it's online they won't have that instant of looking at you, reading your expression, and realizing they just said something really stupid.

Conversely, be careful what you say. Choose your words carefully. Don't just open up the Reply window and start hammering away at the keyboard. Sit back, think it through, type. You're going to come across as someone who knows what they're talking about and, as for anger, revenge is a dish best served cold. As I've said many times before (so many times I'm thinking of getting it tattooed on me) "The price you pay for freedom of speech is accountability". People WILL hear every word you say and one misstep can burn you for eternity. And on the internet they can copy and paste what you said and make you internet famous if they're ambitious enough to let all 6 billion people on this planet know that YOU are a fuckin DICK! haha

So, really, it's the internet. Think of it as being newly blind all the time. You can't see what they're doing when they're speaking to you and you might take sarcasm as insult. You might take compliments a little too well if you don't see the knife in the persons hand. But I promise that even a newly blind person will know they're getting insulted if someone is screaming obscenities at them.

Just keep calm. If you find yourself upset by the internet too often.... turn off your computer, unplug it and throw it out the window.

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