Burlesque Womens Institute

assistedsuicide

Hi everyone
I am back again. With yes, a new dilemma!
I have an amazing new boyfriend who I have known since September but only been with for 2 months.

Now nobody knows what the future may hold... But it's that kind of relationship... You know... When you think it really is *the one*.

We have excellent communication levels but...

After just 2 months of the new, young, relationship, kids have come up into casual conversation around 3 times, this weekend being THE WORST.

Now you may wonder why this is such an issue?

1. I'm 20 this year. Yep! I'm very young! I have ALOT to do in my life yet and so much I want to do without children thankyou.
2. The future can change people and change relationships, as we all know... I want to live for the present and take ONE STEP AT A TIME.
3. It scared me. Just totally scared me. As he was upset as I was in one of my moods and basically said "I never want kids" but after a long think at the weekend I realized I can indeed change and may want kids and if I was to have kids with anyone it would definately be kids with him.
4. I shouldn't be thinking about kids at such an age... I have too much to think about at present and I cannot deal with this added pressure.

Now I ended up breaking down in the bathroom, and basically ended up telling my Mother EVERYTHING. This is a true milestone for me, as I never tell my Mother or my family ANYTHING. So that's a true amazing thing to happen! My Mum basically said to take one step at a time and that I may change in the future...

Now I ended up chatting about it with Ben again and it seems he is just ignoring it now. But I made it clear to him that the future changes and I will probably change in time.

Anyway it's important to mention he did say he didn't want kids till he's at least 28, but quite frankly it still scares me (he was 21 on Wednesday).

But, if I left him now I know I would regret it because:
- If I change like I think I will in the future I will regret leaving him as I would of obviously wanted kids with him and no one else.
- I want to live for the present and let this relationship mature naturally...

So I was wondering, has anyone else been in this situation?

If he was with another young girl, I'm sure as hell she would of been just as scared as me and, maybe even ran for the hills... He's lucky I've stuck around I guess. But that's love for you.

It just hurt me when he said "I love you but I don't want to waste my time" HE'S NOT WASTING HIS TIME!!! Not everyone knows if they want kids or not at ANY age! It's just one of those things! It takes time!

I think he feels compelled to live the "life plan" in a set way because his siblings all left home pretty damn young and lived out said life plan.

He just left uni so I guess he's getting abit too excited about life.

I guess though, it's good that he sees me in his future and is planning for the long term rather than just messing me around... Right?

I just over think things too much and get too anxious. God damn.

CrimbleFairy · Joined: 30 Nov 2007 Posts: 1175 Location: Leeds

I would have been terrified too! Me and my other half talk about stuff like that but then I always make a joke of it saying "is that a proposal of marriage!?" there are so many things we need to do before having kids, no way we could afford them and for the foreseeable future we're quite happy without them!
I'd stick with him because you sound like you really care a lot about him and it would be awful to lose something that makes you happy. Perhaps speak to him about future plans? What's he planning to do career-wise and it might make him realise he wants to do other stuff before thinking about a family.

Hope it works out hun! xxxxxxxxx

peekaboo bangs · Joined: 24 Mar 2007 Posts: 254

Wow yeah I would have reacted just the same as you did - in fact I still do and I'm 40.

My current fella is pushing hard for marriage, kids and the rest of our lives and I still find it scary - and I'm two marriages in to this life.

If he thinks he is "wasting his life" being with with someone who at the age of 20 isn't sure they want kids yet, instead of perhaps investing this time to learn and grow and find out if this is the person he wants kids with then he is nuts.

And in my oppinion no one can be THE one unless they are prepared to listen to the needs of your soul. There is no such thing as he'd be the one if only he didn't pressurise me all the time. Because you can't change things about him only he can.

My answer would be ask me again in a year and if I still like ya, I may tell ya.

And if he won't wait the year he's wasting your time, not the other way round!

Sorry if this isn't anything you wanted to hear! But you'll only be happy when you trust your instincts.

big love

xx
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Minnie the Minxtress · Joined: 07 Feb 2007 Posts: 766 Location: Kent

Ohh this is a hard predicament to be in, particularly because you feel inside that he 'could be the one'.

HOWEVER - he's young, and as you say is probably getting swept away with love for you and love of life, now that he's left Uni.

You are totally right to not be pushed into answering or feeling you have to say or commit to anything that may push you too far.

The best thing to do is be firm, clear and yet very loving about it if and when it comes up again.

Kind of 'well, we discussed this, I've told you that I may have them at a later date and for now, lets enjoy being together and seeing how the future pans out'.

He'd be a fool to cast you aside, for a lady who may say 'Ohhh yes please, I'll bear your babies' and yet in a few months it could all go tits-up... nothing in life is guaranteed, be it love, relationships, babies or fertility... just enjoy yourselves and if it turns sour, then he SO wasn't the man for you.

KatyKamikaze · Joined: 25 Feb 2008 Posts: 160 Location: Northeast

i think everyones different... im only 20 and in engaged to a gu whose 30, ive always wanted kids as soon as i knew i had found the guy, so now id be up for it but i respect the fact that he wants to wait.. it all just personal opinion. theres nothing wrong with him imagining a future with you but also nothing wrong with you bein a little shocked x
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Miss Vincent · Joined: 12 Dec 2007 Posts: 78 Location: Brighton

It's the opposite way in my relationship, I know I'll want kids at some point, and he maintains 'NEVER!'

At this stage, I wouldn't worry about the actual fact of having children, but saying things about you wasting his time is way out of line. It's probably a mistake, he probably didn't mean it how it came out, and was just trying new tactics to try to get you to say yes. You should make sure you talk completely about this, so you both know exactly what's going on.

He's probably in almost the same position as you - He's found an amazing girl, who he wants to settle down with, but he worries that you and he don't want the same things out of life, and this could be a huge thing for him, especially if the rest of the family are going to rate his sucess by it, as it sounds like he thinks they might.

You should just sit down with him, make sure you have a proper chat, saying that, yes, you understand he wants all that family stuff, and at the moment you are far to unsure about what you want to commit to anything, but you still want to be with him, and just let things happen as they come for a bit, that's what you're supposed to do at this young stage. Remind him how young you both are, that you have so much more time to do everything, and i'm sure you both have loads of stuff that you want to do before you 'settle down' with kids. As you say, living life changes you, and that kids may eventually figure on your life plan, but it's way too early to say. You should make it clear that giving you ultimatums to commit to doing something that won't even happen for at least another 8 years is not only a pointless excercise, but it'll only hurt his chances with you in the long run.

I think you have reacted marvelously about this, it's never easy, in the beginning of a fantastic relationship, to learn something about the person you are with that makes you go 'hang on, if we disagree on this, and we can't work it out, then what?'

Unfortunaltey life is scary. And if he's just come out of Uni, he's probably thinking, oh my god, what next? and that this is the logical progression for him. You're terrified, but he is too, probably.

I'm sorry for such a long post. Had a lot to say, I guess. Embarassed

I hope some of it helps.

As you may have guessed from reading that, i'm in a slightly similar situation, my man's having a bit of a crisis of his own.

lushem · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 495 Location: south east london

im 37 and would be happy with not having any kids..

WHAT! i have TWO!!!!!!
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Miss Baby Bones · Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 11:04 pm Post subject:

aw he prob didnt mean for it to come out like that... most blokes find it hard expressing their feelings anyway, and for something 'heavy' its even worse!

as long as he knows you're open to the idea of it he'll prob forget all about it as soon as something else grabs his attention

is he wondering what to do job wise after education? im sure once he finds a career you'd be the one pushing the settle down ;p

just agree that'll you're both open to the idea and can discuss it more later on, but enjoy life now.

as he said he prob just wants to make sure you're not saying NO NEVER!

if he knows that he'll relax im sure

get him a puppy ;p

xxx
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Herr Geist · Joined: 10 May 2007 Posts: 4956 Location: Brighton, England

Seriously, puppies solve everything for dudes.

If someone handed me a puppy, I'd immediately put down the ax and stop killing people at the mall.
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Miss Baby Bones · Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 11:45 am Post subject:

exactly! ;p

or kittens!

think dogs are more bloke friendly tho.

xxx
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Broomy · Joined: 09 May 2007 Posts: 692

Sorry I can't offer you advice on affairs of the heart, but I can give you some very practical advice:
Your income = £xxxxx
His income = £yyyyy
Joint income = £xxxxx + £yyyyy.
Only two of you to keep.
And baby makes three:
His income = £yyyyy
Your income = £00000
Sprog's money £00000 unless there is some state benefit.
Can you survive on it?
It's so sad to see very young Mum's, pushed into parenthood by peer pressure, having to get by on benefits.
Plan your family to your income is the advice that I would offer. Only you will know when you can afford them.
All the same, I do hope yours is a lasting relationship. xx

Violet Ecstasy · Joined: 16 Feb 2008 Posts: 533 Location: West Midlands

Some good advice on here! I'm 30 this year and not sure I'm ready yet. We've had some financial difficulties for the past few years and are just getting to a point where we can spend money on ourselves (that's not borrowed, that is). I think I want to enjoy that for a bit longer.

ladytwiglet · Joined: 10 Feb 2008 Posts: 112 Location: North West England

he's just scared/surprised you into a knee jerk reaction, try not to worry about it! just reassure him that you dont want kids yet, but you have no idea whats going to happen in the future, and never say never.

kids arent that bad, i have a 7 year old daughter and i'm also 21 weeks pregnant with a boy, and my daughter was a planned pregnancy when i was 20 Wink

and although my career plans have been put on hold, i personally think i did the right thing (i'm the maternal sort!) and have the next few years all planned out Laughing

Miss Baby Bones · Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 12:03 am Post subject:

aw congrats lady twiglet! good luck with the ickle bundle!

xxx
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Ivy Wilde · Joined: 09 Nov 2007 Posts: 222 Location: Manchester

I always find it really hard to explain to people who definitely want kids that I don't know if I ever will, I think with certain people they just know and have done all their lives. Some of them think I'm a bit odd for it too, like it's something I should have inbuilt as well.

I think it's a bit weird myself when people put an age on when they want to start popping them out, one of my mates only said the other day she wanted to have kids before she was 30, she's 25 at the moment and to be honest I don't think she will, she's not financially stable, she's not been with her boyfriend for a year yet and she sees 30 as being this mystical age that wont be coming round the corner any time soon!

I say to her that I'm 28 this year and there's no way I'll be sprogging it up any time soon, that's even with pressure, or shall I say what mine and Tim's family call "their little jokes" after we got married last year. It's like people expect us to start a family because we got married and that's the natural next step.

Truth is I don't know if I'll ever be ready, my family and family in general is the most important thing in my life but I enjoy spending time with Tim on my own and spending our money going out and seeing things and on holidays and we're trying to save for a house etc etc etc, I just don't see how kids will fit in with that. Not to say our opinion wont change in the future, we've both said it might, but for us at this moment in time we're far too irresponsible and we're enjoying ourselves too much to have such a massive commitment in our lives.

(Just watch me get knocked up in the next six months!!)

It doesn't help the look on my Dad's face when he starts going all Granda on me and I tell him it's never happening, Tim says I shouldn't be so mean, I think it's just cause my Dad's retired now though and doesn't know what to do with himself! And the fact he loves babies!!

Just be honest, it's all you can do, if someone can't accept you for it then that's their problem, at least you're being true to yourself which is the more important in my opinion xx